“The world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come.” Hebrews 13:14
If you know Hayden, that’s me, then you know that I’m a gal that lives fully engaged in life here on Earth. I’ve spent thirty years making goals, plans, and striving to live the fullest life possible. Heck! In my most youthful of days I even got ink on my body (Sorry, Mom and Dad!) that permanently reads “fully alive,” short for “For the glory of God is man fully alive.” I couldn’t fit all of that around my body though (I was told it would wrap around me… not cute! Which should have been my sign, maybe?). Irenaeus muttered this, but I am not so sure he meant for it to be a mantra for people like me. I do know, however, that for me it comes from a good place, from the tension of knowing that life is fragile and our time on Earth is but a breath. And it’s true, let’s glorify God with this one life, my naivety was not wrong in that.
However, on January 16, 2018 my focus turned less from Earth and more toward Heaven. On that day I came to know that one of the greatest gifts God has ever given me, our second child, and a sibling we had prayed and longed for was in the arms of Jesus. I find myself now longing for Heaven more than ever before so that I can meet my baby.
Heaven made Home, because home is where the heart is after all, right? My heart belongs to the most loyal and patient man, Andy, who I’ve been married to going on five years. We make our current home in Birmingham, Alabama, where we met, fell in love, and got married. We love our home! We have been blessed with two babies so far (but, Lord Jesus, please give me more babies!)– a beautiful, smart, and unbelievably stubborn toddler named Abigail and an angel baby that we recently and unexpectedly lost in miscarriage. But all of this would not be so without acknowledging my heart truly belongs to God. You see, through the heartache I am experiencing a nearness to God that I never knew possible. He sees me and knows me. He loves me in my pain of loss and longing just as He does when I’m experiencing unexplainable joy while laughing at my toddler’s antics. He is a good, good Father both when He gives and when He takes away. Blessed be His name.
Prior to this season, since I write and especially after having my first child, I’ve been asked why I haven’t started blogging again (yes, there was once a blog about a decade ago when blogs first hit the scene, but don’t try to Google it!). Some really sweet and encouraging folks have even requested that I please start blogging. Thus far, I’ve found more reasons not to blog than the other. Honestly, life was probably too good and pretty that if I blogged about it you might think I was bragging on my own might. Not that every moment was this way, but overall it was pretty darn good. Until just recently, because now that my life looks less than idyllic it seems to be the right time to openly share. Makes sense, right?
I hope and pray this space becomes a space for both mourning and dancing. The concept of Heaven made Home is to share all that the Lord is teaching me in our season of mourning our baby not being with us, while also celebrating the things that the Lord has done and is doing in our home. I don’t know what’s to come, but I’m willing to be vulnerable with you while God directs our home and guides our steps.