My first thought is, do they want the honest answer or not? I think that’s a pretty common thought for most any question that’s asked in passing, right? I mean, even a simple “how are you?” can be difficult to answer depending on the season you’re in, though completely well-intentioned. But here’s my super convoluted answer:

This pregnancy, like all of my pregnancies, has been difficult physically. This pregnancy, unlike my previous pregnancies, has been difficult emotionally. Am I grateful to be pregnant? Absolutely! More than anything though I just hope and pray to hold a healthy baby in my arms in December. Like any loss, you can empathize with it, but pregnancy after miscarriage is impossible to understand unless you’ve been there.

First of all, there’s the trying or desire to get pregnant after loss that is hard to navigate. Will I be able to do this? That sounds like a basic question, but just like the rest of this there are so many layers to it. You fear that this could be a pattern. That the brokenheartedness that you’ve experienced could happen again. Because the truth you now know is that it can happen because it does and it did happen… to you. And can I handle that? The naivety of it all is gone. The other part of this is, can I move on from the baby I lost and love again? You almost feel like a bad Mom or incredibly insensitive parent to even want another baby. But here’s the deepest truth tangled in all of this, the Enemy feeds off of these questions and the doubting. The greatest reality that I found when I just kept pressing in spite of was that God is bigger. Hallelujah for that! The will I and the can I questions were answered with a resounding, “Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.'” Well, ok, then… 

The luster of lost things is there, the concern over every bizarre physical change, and the fight to find joy and peace in the midst of naivety lost are all real things. Greater still though is the realization of the truth that God is bigger. There is peace that comes when faced with the reality that I have totally lost control of this. In fact, I never had control to begin with and I never will. It’s good to lose it all. He has known this all along, and I’m just now starting to figure it out. It is good to confront emotional turmoil and physical inability with a faith that He works all things for good. And He does… and He always will… 

If you follow me on social media, or know me personally, then you know that the event known as “back-to-school” is marked as a holiday at our house. As a teacher myself, from a long line of teachers too, the school calendar very obviously impacts our calendar and the way our family operates. Therefore, after having Abigail and deciding to continue teaching I decided that every year we would celebrate this time as a family. So we’ve returned to school, we’ve celebrated for a week, and we find ourselves very content to be home this weekend. But while in my classroom this week my new (and precious) students and I had a conversation about how everyone has their own unique story. Furthermore, we reflected on how other people’s stories, both friends and strangers, can impact us too.

Laura McCarty has impacted my life and became one of my heroes of the faith a couple of years ago, even before my own grief, though I don’t know her too personally. She’s a home town girl in Birmingham, and we have many mutual friends. But, how interesting that in 2018 you can watch or hear someone’s story from a far, namely through social media, and be moved in such an impactful way. That’s part of what God impressed upon me though when I started this little blog in the midst of my own grief. While trying to pick up the pieces of my broken heart I was reminded of a few mamas, Laura being one of them, and so I’m glad to share her motherhood story with you here now.

How would you describe your family?

I feel like we are just your average family. Mark and I met a long time ago, but reconnected after we both graduated from college. We fell in love fast. We began dating, were engaged, and married all in a years time. We are the exact same and the exact opposite in so many ways. We have two fur babies, Lily and Coast, that make us vacuum every day of the week. We have two beautiful girls, Sullivan and Miller. Sullivan went to be with Jesus in October of 2016. Miller joined us in March of 2018, and has brought us such joy. Sullivan and Miller are 16.5 months apart and the light of our lives.

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Mallory Morgan owns one of my very favorite stores, The Confetti Crate, in my very favorite town. In some ways we grew up together, and in other ways we did not. But everyone that knows me well knows that I like to claim Troy, Alabama, as my hometown regardless of how much living I’ve actually done there. Besides the point, Mallory is married to her best friend Trey, since September 5, 2015. Thanks to marrying Trey, she’s a “bonus mom” to the coolest five year old, Cooper, who calls her “Baby.” She’s also a mom to four angels in heaven. Trey and Mallory have endured many challenges in their marriage. Mallory says that she looks at those challenges as something to be thankful for though because she trusts that God is using these moments to grow their faith and their relationship with Him.

How do you plan to celebrate Mother’s Day?

This Mother’s Day I will be celebrating  my most precious mother, mother-in-law (it’s also her birthday that day!), grandmother and ALL the mothers out there- whether they are celebrating a first pregnancy, their first year as a mother, a “bonus” mom, a mother still in waiting, or a mother with only angels in heaven.

Honestly, holidays are hard for me these days. I easily get emotional on any given holiday. So let’s be real, I just hope I’m not the one cupping my face in my hands fighting back tears. I know I’ll be surrounded by love. God’s love and my own mother’s love. Both are unlike any other.

The sadness that infertility causes can be extremely confusing, especially to others who fortunately haven’t had to go through such. You see, Mother’s Day is an entire day where I’m surrounded by reminders that my biggest dream still hasn’t came true. I simply don’t have my babies to hold. Social media scrolling on Mother’s Day is more sadness than I can usually stomach. However, when I’m having “one of those days” on this journey it’s also a huge reminder for me to have faith. Faith that God’s plan is far greater than any plan out there. Much bigger than my quick reaction of a “plan” on decorating the nursery a certain way to work for a boy or girl the second we found out we were pregnant. My “plan” of searching for all the handmade vintage outfits that would work for both boy or girl to dress my babe on the way in, because I literally couldn’t wait even a day to prepare for all my dreams of having my “one day some day” a reality. This Mother’s Day I’m allowing myself to be sad. I feel confident that it’s best for me to not try to fight that and block emotions completely out. I tried that route on Easter and didn’t even make it in to church with my sweet family because I had a meltdown. Full blown emotional roller coaster meltdown before we even took family pictures at Trey’s parents house as we do every year.  Did I mention that holidays are hard? Whew. Allowing myself to be sad isn’t where I’m settling, though. I’m also pushing myself to be strong and have faith that God hasn’t forgotten me. Pushing myself to stay focused on how blessed I truly am to have the awesome mama and mother-in-law that I do, as well as remaining thankful for the opportunity to be a bonus mom. It’s pretty amazing how sweet it is to have my little sidekick.

Cooper takes care of me, prays for me, sings all the sweet songs while he plays his guitar for me because he knows it’s one of my favorite things he does, and most of all, that kid brings the brightest sunshine in my life with his tender-hearted ways. And oh my goodness, does he keep us laughing and entertained on a daily basis!

What is unique about your motherhood journey?

I don’t think it’s fair for me to say my motherhood journey is unique. After speaking out after my second miscarriage I quickly learned of so many others who have struggled with infertility, as well as hearing lots of heartbreaking stories of friends, and strangers alike, who have faced the gut wrenching news of being told your baby no longer has a heartbeat.

Approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I’m 1 in 4. There, I said it. Of course, everyone has a uniqueness about their own story, but honestly, this question leaves me asking myself what does, in fact, make my journey to motherhood unique. Truth be told, I’m not so sure I can consider my journey to making my “one day some day” unique. So bare with me while I try to answer this question without jumping around in ten different directions. I’ve learned so much having gone through four miscarriages. I really have. However, I’ve faced many, many days where I felt like I was the only person in the world who knew the kind of pain that came with having a miscarriage. My world was turned completely upside down when I heard the words, “I’m not finding a heartbeat.” FOUR. DIFFERENT. TIMES. I’ve cried out plenty of days begging for the horrible morning sickness, the fatigue, the swollen ankles, and all the other things you often hear others talk about. I’ve prayed many of prayers to just have a healthy pregnancy one that didn’t end far too soon followed by D & C, the surgical procedure that I’ve strangely become way too familiar with. After finding out we were pregnant for the second time, I remember my doctor looking at me during my first appointment for that particular pregnancy and asking, “Do you feel pregnant? Have you had any morning sickness? Tender breasts?” I told him I felt a little “icky” in the mornings. But in all reality, there was no morning sickness. All of my pregnancies after my first miscarriage were filled with fear that led to plenty of uneasy feelings. Morning and night.

This has been a very interesting part of my life. The story of my journey to motherhood is a lot like many others, 1 in 4, dreaming to carry to full-term, praying for a healthy baby to hold after they take their first breath, longing to experience a baby kicking in their stomach, wondering if I will ever know how it feels to be “nine months pregnant and miserable.”

The stories of infertility are raw, but very much so similar. It’s the same kind of unexplainable pain. At the end of the day, I find myself giving thanks to God for the uniqueness between all of the women who have suffered hearing the words “there is no longer a heartbeat.” Those words alone are a very hard pill to swallow. They’ve brought me to my knees, introduced me to new friends, and given me good reason, that only God could give me, to catch back up with old friends who needed me as well as I desperately needed them. All because of our unique journey to motherhood. Taking things, literally, one day at a time. Life can be funny. Life can be full of “icky” feelings. Most importantly, God can work in very unique ways to send you on a different path in life that makes you stronger than a mother. So if you’re 1 in 4, hang in there, sister. God has got this. God has got us. 

What is something about motherhood that has made you strong in Christ?

When I feel weak, which is often, I turn to God. I pray for the smallest things, and I’m very specific with my requests. Only God can heal and redeem, and it can take time giving Him your whole heart. I look at this season of my life as one that is a growth in becoming a more Godly woman. With growth and knowledge, I believe it takes asking questions. Lots of questions. Being the impatient person that I am, this “season” hasn’t been the easiest. I want answers much quicker than I’ve received them. Birth is a miracle, and it’s something only God can bless us with. My prayer is that my strength, along with all the others who are in a similar situation, continues to grow. By sharing my weakest days I’ll always find a way to give God the glory and know that it is His story, not mine. It’s way too difficult of a road to travel alone. Keep God as your tour guide in life and don’t be afraid to travel with uncertainty, maybe even a little unprepared for what’s to come your way. He will prove to you that even the darkest roads end with sunshine, and maybe, just maybe, even with a rainbow. 

What is something that the Lord has taught you recently that you would like to share with others?

I am so thankful to know Rebecca Ellis and her family. Her faith and motherhood have had such an impression on me as a young mother. Rebecca has been married to her high school sweetheart, Mike, for thirty-one years. She is a registered nurse, but has been a stay at home mom for many years. However, she has kept her license to be able to work when needed and has served on medical trips to Haiti. Most of her nursing career was spent in OB/GYN, specifically in Labor and Delivery, and she has a specialty in fertility. She says that her life has been very full and rewarding with an amazing, supportive husband and family. At the present, she frequently speaks to teens and parents on navigating social media and cultural struggles that families deal with today and speaks to churches and Christian organizations on hope and healing after the death of a child.

Please, tell me about your children. How old are they? What are their names? What are you most proud of them for?

Haden is my oldest child. She is twenty-five years old, and has been married to Beau for a year. She is my beautiful, strong-willed, intense, and intentional child. I am most proud of her fierce love and protection of her family and those that she loves. She has eyes that are so beautiful, and when I look into them I see her heart.  She is now my friend and look-alike. Cole is my sweet, precious boy who went to live with His heavenly Father when he was almost fourteen years old. He was kind, smart, athletic, loved by everyone. He was also an awesome leader in school, athletics, and at church. I am most proud of his ability to show compassion and encouragement to others. Emma is nineteen years old, and a freshman at Samford University. She is one of the kindest and funniest people I know. She has a smile that lights my heart and makes us all laugh out loud.  She looks more like her daddy, but is shy and quiet like her Mama when I was her age. I am most proud of her sweet, caring heart!

What has been the hardest thing about being a mother?

The hardest thing about being a mother has been learning to build my family without the worry of judgement of my friends, church, and culture. For so long, I was caught up in trying to be the perfect mother, wife, and friend based on what we all see as we go out into our community. It was really difficult for me to face the failures of my children. I wanted to protect them from mistakes. It’s strange though because I knew that they had to learn to deal with failures, and that is where they would learn the most. God had always shown me that we find our greatest strength from learning to get back up and try again! It would also be a great place for them and us to learn more about forgiveness and grace. I taught my children that, but struggled living it out myself. I had three awesome children, and was living what I thought was a perfect life. God had blessed me greatly, but my faith was to be tested with the unspeakable. I thought I could control all aspects of my children’s lives. When they are babies and small children, we are able to control where they go and what they are exposed to on a daily basis because they are completely dependent on us. But, when they hit the pre-teen and teenage years, I could not control all aspects of their lives anymore. The world starts to have a much greater influence on them, even Christian families and especially Christian families. The single hardest thing for me, though, has been learning to live without my precious Cole. Cole’s suicide on October 26, 2009 not only took my son from this earth, but it has rocked our world for a life time. The boy that an entire community loved, and who seemed to have it all together, was gone so tragically. I prayed for my own death for six months afterwards, but God was not giving me my heart’s desire. It was a physical pain that is virtually indescribable. But the emotional devastation was beyond comprehension. My boy was gone. I would never feel his hug, see that beautiful smile, or that tender kiss on my neck this side of Heaven.  I wouldn’t see him play football or baseball any longer. I wouldn’t see him go to prom, graduate high school, or take him to college. I wouldn’t see him standing up for his sister when she got married. How could God have allowed the boy that loved Him so to make such a terrible decision? The last 8 ½ years have been a journey that went from surviving moment to moment, to week to week, month to month, and year to year. God has met me in every one of those hard places, and in those hard places is where I feel His presence the most! You see, my lack of control and total surrender is where He could finally pick me up, love me, and work on me! 

What is the best thing about being a mother?

The best thing about being a mother is the love and true joy that I get from just a glance at my children! No one can understand that sense of over-whelming, unconditional love unless they are a mother. The touch and smile of my children literally makes my heart race and gives me a peace in my soul. When they were small, holding their little hands, pushing their swing, bath time, and snuggling made my life complete. I couldn’t wait for the next school program, ball game, equestrian event, summer vacations, and Disney World. I have loved seeing them in their successes and failures.  Watching my girls mature into young women who have a deep understanding of family, love, and grace is truly the greatest gift from my heavenly Father. But it also came with great loss and heart break. Being a mother has given me a revelation into God’s incredible love for me because I know that He loves me more than I love my own children. That is completely over-whelming to me! I have loved so many parts of different seasons of life with our children, but I will say that this season of developing a true friendship with my girls brings me so much joy. I don’t have to be the enforcer or disciplinarian anymore, but I have the privilege of being a coach and cheerleader wholly.

How did the Lord feel near to you in your grief and mourning?

Grief is a terrible gut-wrenching emotion that can destroy our lives if we don’t know the love of Jesus and the truth that He is our rock and our foundation. Without standing on that we will not weather the storms that come and go in our lives. When we have built our foundation on that Rock, we can know, even when we can’t see, that He will not let us be destroyed. My very first encounter with God after Cole’s death was in the stillness of the second night, when I was wrestling with God about why He allowed it. I heard a whisper, “Do you trust me?” I know that sounds crazy, but I heard it. The night of the visitation was my next encounter with God. There were hundreds of people that night. It was exhausting and over-whelming at the same time. It was an outer-body experience that I was standing by my son’s coffin and having to greet all these people. About halfway into the night, a lady I had never met walked up. I thought maybe Mike knew her or she was just a kind lady, so I started going through the motions. When she hugged me, she pushed a card into my hand. I didn’t have time to read it then, but I did later. Before I tell you what it said, I want you to know her identity. It turns out she was the 911 operator that answered my call that terrible morning of my son’s suicide. How does God do these things? This is what was printed on the card, just what I needed to hear from Him:

 I said, “God, I hurt.” And God said, “I know”

 I said, “God, I cry a lot.” And God said, “That’s why I gave you tears.”

I said, “God, I’m so depressed.” And God said, “That’s why I gave you sunshine.”

I said, “God, life is so hard.” And God said, “That’s why I gave you loved ones.”

I said, “God, my loved one died.” And God said, “So did mine.”

I said, “God, it’s such a loss.” And God said, “I saw mine nailed to a cross.”

I said, “God, but your loved one lives.” And God said, “So does yours.”

I said, “God, it still hurts.” And God said, “I know.”

I don’t know who penned this poem, and the precious woman from 911 did not sign her name. But I will tell you that I have read and reread it so many times through my journey. It was my reminder that my grief was no surprise to the Father, and it’s nothing that He himself hadn’t experienced! He didn’t need for me to do anything or know what step to take each day. He just needed me to know that He knows, and has always known and He needed me to rest in His strength. I saw God in warm touches that I can’t explain because no one else was in the room. I have smelled my Cole in odd places. God had uniquely, and in ways that only He can orchestrate, put friends and people in our lives that would help us with daily activities and navigating the chores of life. Many of these incredibly loving friends helped our girls as we tried to keep their lives as normal as possible. Then, one of the most important gifts that God gave us was the insight that counseling was going to be crucial so that we did not become a statistic. Families going through grief have over an 85% chance of imploding, leading to divorce or destructive relationships. That was not an option for my family in my mind. So, we began counseling within two weeks of Cole’s death and continued regularly for a couple of years. To this day, we go in and out as needed. I see God and feel His presence when I see sunflowers. Cole ate sunflower seeds until he would almost be sick. He kept them in his cheek playing baseball. I began seeing sunflowers in places where they shouldn’t have been. It was very strange! I see God’s presence in friends that remind us of funny or sweet stories of Cole, or a picture that they found. Healing from this grief has truly been intentional and a choice. It has been hard work, but it has also been a journey in which I have seen and heard from God in over-whelming and awe-inspiring ways. I am restoring! It is a life journey mourning the loss of a child! You do not forget or get over it. You get through it and you learn to live with it, but you can find joy and hope again! My joys and the beauty in my life look very different than most of my friends, but it is deep and full still. I have come to realize that because I have a huge God, I stand in a huge sea of grace every single day. But I have to wade out into the sea. It is a choice.

When you first lost Cole was there any particular thing (song, book, verse, piece of advice, etc.) that helped you to continue to wake up every morning and get out of bed?

This is an interesting question because I vividly remember the morning that tragedy struck my family. My pastor was one of the first ones to arrive and as I was sobbing I just blurted out, “I don’t know what to do! What do I do? I can’t even pray!” He wrapped me in a warm embrace and said, “Sweet Rebecca, you do not have to do anything. I want you to take one breath after another until you can just breathe on your own. You have an entire body of Christ that will pray and intercede for you.” Psalm 46:10 tells me, “Be still and know that I am God”. I just needed to survive one moment to the next. Honestly, I couldn’t even deal with scripture. I didn’t need my friends trying to make any of this sound like it was God’s plan, or that there was some sentence that was going to magically make me feel better or make any sense of any of it.  First, this was not God’s plan! This was part of the dark world that we live in, but my God knew and had been preparing me and orchestrating all that I needed to survive and thrive in spite of. There is nothing that I could add to it, but He needed me calling out and letting Him be my healer and not the world trying their best effort to heal me. He needed me to surrender, and that did not come easy. As I dug deep into hearing Him, I knew that He already knew what my reaction would be and He would allow me to fight it out with Him. He created me and He loves me just as I am. I was sassy and confrontational with Him. Guess what, He can take it! He is a BIG God with a BIG hope and a BIG future! Cole’s favorite verse, that we had just hung in my husband’s new business, was Jeremiah 29:11– “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” I didn’t understand how that could be Cole’s favorite, and he helped hang that in the office three days prior to his death, but I kept seeing it everywhere. God was asking me again, “Do you trust me?” I felt prompted within a year to go back to Bible Study Fellowship. We were doing a new study, and it was on Isaiah. That book truly changed my life and focus. I felt like God was literally speaking directly into my heart. One of my favorite passages has been in Isaiah 43:1-3, “…I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweet over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God…” I began to understand that I would not be consumed, but I had to choose life daily and show up for Him. On days that I have nothing to give and find myself consumed with sadness and loss, I have clung to Hebrews 10:23, “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promises is faithful.” Sometimes, all I can do is just hold on!

What are you most looking forward to about Heaven?

I was Alexandra’s Bible study leader back in college through our sorority. I’m pretty sure I learned more from her and the other girls in that Bible Study than they did from me. I wasn’t particular qualified to lead anyone at that time in my life. But I digress…

Alexandra was born and raised in Louisville, Kentucky. She is married to Anthony who she met at a church function in the summer of 2012.  They dated long distance for a little over a year before Anthony moved from Minneapolis to Louisville for his bride. Alexandra explains that aside from their relationship with Jesus, family is most important to them. 

Please tell me about your children. How old are they? What are their names? What are you most proud of them for?

My little girl’s name is Anna Cate, and she would have been about 16 months old now.  Anna is my heavenly baby. She was born at 39 weeks and 6 days already in the arms of Jesus.  Anna’s full name is Anna Catherine. Anna means “grace” and Catherine means “pure.” Anna Cate was both full of grace, and more pure than anything or anyone I have ever met in my life.  I am most proud of my Anna girl for following after the Lord’s perfect plan for her life by humbling herself and saying, “Lord, I will go with You even if it means that I don’t get to meet my mommy and daddy.  I’ll go with You because I accept the plan you have for my life. I want to please You, so I will go, Lord!” Because of Anna’s choice, I am constantly reminded to have faith like a child.

Charles John “Charlie” Chiles is my little boy, and he is almost four months old. What a joy and delight he is!  Charlie has brought so much healing not only to Anthony and me, but also to our entire family in his short life. I didn’t realize how much my heart needed his bright, toothless smile, his gentle cuddles, and his love for me. I love watching him experience new things because he sits and stares so intently and curiously.  I am proud of him for how sweet and kind he is. Charlie always smiles at others, and I know it brightens their day as much as it does mine. His middle name means, “Jehovah has been gracious,” and words have never been truer.  Jesus knew exactly what He was doing when He gave us the gift of our Charlie boy.

What has been the hardest thing about being a mother?

The hardest thing about being a mother is knowing that my family will never feel complete.  When we go out with Charlie and people ask us if he is our first baby, we have to carefully and quickly survey the situation to see if it’s even worth letting them know about our first baby.  That is actually quite painful because when I just go with the flow of the conversation and I don’t acknowledge Anna Cate I then feel like a terrible mother. It is tough that we even have to feel the need to survey a conversation to know whether or not we can talk about our girl.    

The next hardest part about being a mother for me has been not feeling adequate enough.  I find that I try my hardest to be a perfectionist and in control. I have to be reminded daily that I am not the one in control but Jesus is, and I don’t have to be perfect. Do I listen every day? No, I do not.  Those are two things that The Lord is still working on with me. 

Another hard thing about being a mother is my struggle with patience.  After Anna Cate passed away, I longed for Heaven so I could see her again.  I wanted that day to come sooner rather than later because my arms ached to hold my girl. Patience also played a big part in the months between Anna Cate passing and Charlie being born.  I had to have patience about waiting until I could get pregnant again, and patience while I was pregnant with Charlie.  Since Charlie was born, I have realized again that I have very little patience. The Lord has been working with me the last few weeks letting me know that I need more patience.   

What is the best thing about being a mother?

The best thing about being a mother to Charlie is receiving smiles from him and hearing him giggle.  I LOVE it when I go get him in the morning after he has woken up and he flashes his huge, toothless grin at me.  It literally melts my entire heart. This may sound cliché, but another great part about being a mom is that I have a deeper understanding of how much Jesus loves us.  I would do anything and everything for Charlie, and Jesus will do that and more for us. I love reading Jesus stories to Charlie at bedtime. He usually just lays there and listens so intently.  I am excited to see how The Lord will use him to further His kingdom.

It is hard to say what the best thing about being Anna Cate’s mother is since the only time I had to mother her was the nine months she was in my womb.  I felt that all I was good for as a mother was to simply carry a baby and let her go back to God.  I feared that was my calling as a mom. I will say though, some of the best things about being her mom are the lessons I have learned through her death.

How did the Lord feel near to you in your grief and mourning?

The night that we found out Anna Cate’s heart was no longer beating, my mom left the hospital to get a few things from my house to bring to me.  While she was at my home, she opened a Bible that I had sitting on Anna Cate’s dresser. She sent me a picture of a Bible verse I had written down, Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths.” I was full of my own understanding for a long time after Anna Cate died. It took me a while to realize that God was in the eye of my storm. I recently heard a sermon where the preacher was talking about a storm and how God is in the middle of it all.  All you need to do it pass through the storm, keeping your eye on Him! Through losing Anna Cate, I gained an understanding of what peace which passes all understanding means. People have told me that Anthony and I have been so strong after going through something that was so tragic, but I would be remiss if I didn’t tell them that the only reason for our strength is because of His Peace.  How gracious and merciful is Jesus to give us, people who are truly unworthy, unfathomable peace.

When you first lost Anna Cate was there any particular thing (song, book, verse, piece of advice, etc.) that helped you to continue to wake up every morning and get out of bed?

There are so many songs that I listened to after Anna Cate was born!  Music is a tool through which I have found healing in my grief. The song “Through the Fire” by the Crabb Family was basically on repeat.  Part of the chorus is, “He never promised that the cross would not get heavy and the hill would not be hard to climb. He never offered us victories without our fighting, but He said help would always come in time.”  Yes, the burden was the heaviest I have ever felt after Anna Cate died, but Jesus was always there to help bear that burden for me.

Another song that helped me was “For Your Glory” by Tasha Cobbs.  The first time Anthony and I went to the cemetery to visit Anna Cate after she died, this song came up randomly on my phone.  The lyrics are, “Lord, if I Find favor in Your sight, Lord please, hear my heart’s cry. I’m desperately waiting to be where You are.  I’ll cross the hottest desert, I’ll travel near or far, for Your Glory.” When I listened to the song at the time, I wept because I was thinking that Anna Cate was singing those words before she died.  It is my belief that she made a choice to leave this life before entering it, and I think the words in that song explain that best.

What are you most looking forward to about Heaven?

I am first of all looking forward to spending eternity with Jesus.  Second of all, I am looking forward to being with my girl again, and for our family to have the opportunity to be complete.  

Fortunately for me, Becki and I have been in a small group together over the past year through our church. Becki is a software product manager for Daxko. But her greatest source of pride is being a wife to Garrett and Mama to Gabe. To understand her best though, she uses the letters ESTJ; where as I am an ENFJ (Myers-Briggs, anyone?). Furthermore, Becki humbly described herself as “a really broken person that constantly makes mistakes, and stubborn too. So it takes a long time to learn from those mistakes.” Anyone identify with Becki? I imagine we all can.

Please, tell me about your son.

I love telling people about my sweet Gabe! Gabriel Lewis Irby was born in November 2012 on his due date. He is the sweetest five year old you will ever meet! He loves music, snuggles, our dog, and friendship. If he is being rocked by a parent or grandparent while Puppy Dog Pals plays in the background, he is as content as any human I have met.

When Gabe was born they called a code. The moment we thought would be the relief after a long labor was just the beginning of our story of hardship. In seconds, more than ten nurses rushed into the delivery room and began working to get Gabe breathing. I’ll never heal from that trauma on this side of Heaven. We spent almost a month in the NICU, riding a rollercoaster of bad news, followed by great news, followed by devastating news. An unknown, undiagnosed event somehow led Gabe to be deprived of oxygen for some unknown period of time. At 14 days old, we learned that the brain damage was global and that this tiny little baby we had longed for would face a life of physical and intellectual delays. Gabe’s official diagnoses are Spastic Quadriplegic Cerebral Palsy, epilepsy, microcephaly, and cortical visual impairment. Gabe has endured many hospital stays, several surgeries, a trillion hours in doctors’ appointments, and countless therapy appointments. And Gabe has done it with deep joy! He smiles and laughs and giggles. Gabe has changed our lives and he changes the lives of others. He is a true slice of Heaven right in our arms.

What are you most proud of Gabe for?

I am most proud of Gabe’s trust. We take this precious boy to have medical procedure after medical procedure, IV after IV, test after test. And he still finds comfort in our arms and smiles at us and communicates that he trusts us totally. It is the most overwhelming and humbling experience.

What has been the hardest thing about being a mother?

I could write a novel about this. The hardest thing about being a mother is being kind to myself and offering forgiveness to myself. After Gabe was born, I asked a million times what I did to cause it. The doctors couldn’t even pinpoint when his stroke occurred, much less what caused it, but there I sat blaming myself for everything. Gabriel was not strong enough to breastfeed when he was in the NICU. Also, I did not have skin to skin time with him until he was four days old. Nursing was doomed from day one for us, and at six weeks my OB had a serious heart to heart with me about letting go of nursing him. To try to write the amount of shame I felt (and if I’m honest, still feel) is impossible. My internal narrative kept saying, “Of course you cannot nurse him! You could not even deliver him safely into this world. You are unworthy/unfit to be his mother.” That is difficult to write, friends. But it is honest. I worked with a fantastic counselor who helped bring me back to life after Gabe was born. I learned to be kind to myself, and worked on negative dialogue in my head. However, the negative internal dialogue is persistent. When Gabe gets sick I immediately think what I could have done differently. When he has a seizure that is worse than normal, I criticize each and every component of our schedule the previous twenty-four hours. When I take a nap that is most necessary, I wake up and feel guilty about the time I missed out on. The list goes on and on. It is impossible to avoid mom-guilt on this journey. It is improbable to avoid self-shame.

I continue to do my counseling exercises, and I also do my very best to tell a trusted companion about my internal thoughts so truth can be spoken over me. This will always be a part of my journey. I do not like it, but I am learning to accept it.

What is the best thing about being a mother?

The best thing about being a Mama is the deep and inexplicable bond that I have with my Gabe. There is nothing that will ever take it from me, or lessen it, or threaten it. He is my son, and I am his Mom. And I have no doubt that Gabe feels it as well.

Having a non-verbal child introduces certain challenges though. It was very difficult in the beginning, as I struggled to find deep peace about not hearing Gabe call me Momma, tell me what he needs or what hurts, or say “I love you.” Just as I found a place of peace, I started to realize that Gabe may not speak words to me, but he is constantly communicating. Through our deep bond, I almost always know what is hurting him, and can use his physical cues to understand what he needs. I have no doubt that he loves me. And he absolutely calls me Momma by craning his neck to the extreme to find me when he hears my voice. Friends and family frequently ask, “How did you know he needed x?” or “What made you realize y was bothering him?” The answer is this unspoken, almost subconscious language that we speak with our son.

None of this would be possible without the bond God has granted us. It is something we savor and appreciate with all of our hearts.

How did the Lord feel near to you in your grief and mourning?

One truth that not many people know about our journey is that Gabe was absolutely miserable for the first year of his life. There were numerous contributing factors, primarily his struggle to eat and finding the right balance in his medications. I refer to that first year as the “dark days” and I honestly struggle to remember them. Gabe cried most of the day, and rarely slept more than four hours in a twenty-four hour period. I worked full-time and my husband was working part-time and pursuing his Masters. Many of the expected joys new parents experience that keep them going in the difficult times were not part of our experience. For example, Gabe did not smile or show enjoyment in anything until he was eleven months old. Overwhelmed is an understatement for that first year. We were financially underwater, isolated from everyone except family, struggling to understand medical files, and totally unsure about the future. In the first half of the year we were consumed with how Gabe was tracking on his physical milestones. By month six, we realized milestones were not going to be a part of our journey, and began begging God for inchstones.

“Would Gabe ever be happy? Would he connect with me one day?”

I was a believer before Gabe was born. I grew up in church and knew scripture. I knew about God’s promises. I never once doubted God’s existence. But mercy, if I did not question His goodness. I remember praying, “God, how do we do this? If You have a bigger plan, how will we even survive to see it? I can’t do this, Lord! Rescue us! Rescue this sweet baby! I’m not a good enough human or mother to handle this!”

In all of those prayers I never heard a booming voice of reassurance. I remember reading my favorite Psalm that is now our life Psalm, the thirty-fourth Psalm, over and over again. I thought maybe if I read it enough I will believe it.

“I sought the Lord and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears.”

Gabe’s middle name is “Lewis” because of what C.S. Lewis has meant to our faith. I read Chronicles of Narnia, one of the ways I have connected with the Lord over the years,

“He is not safe, but He is good.”

“How can I believe it, Lord. Where is the goodness?”

I had hope, but it was a frail hope that God would allow us to care for this baby who was so unhappy. Eventually, I accepted that life on this Earth would be bitter.

In October 2013, we returned from a trip out of town to visit family. Gabe despised the carseat, so we were all glad to be home. I took him into his room to change his diaper, and he passed gas (something he had done a million times since birth, just like all other babies). And all of the sudden I saw a tiny, crooked smile on his face. “It’s possible! He can smile!”

For anyone that knows our Gabe now, you know that he has a million dollar smile that he displays 99% of his waking hours. He just needed to experience happiness and embrace his smile.

“How did I doubt you, Lord? How did I doubt Your goodness? Would I have realized the sweetness of Your love if I had not reached the depth of the world’s bitterness?”

Have you heard of the concept of an Ebenezer? In Hebrew, it means stone of help. In 1 Samuel 7, Samuel sets up a commemorative stone and names it Ebenezer after the Lord rescues Israel from the Philistines, saying “Thus far the Lord has helped us.” In the same way, people of faith look back to the times when the Lord rescued them from doom and make conscious effort to remember that Ebenezer, that proof that the Lord is good and keeps His promises. That tiny, crooked smile when Gabe was eleven months old is my Ebenezer. I will never, ever forget the way that God pursued us in the dark days and brought us the sunshine.

I won’t say that I will ever totally mourn the physical milestone. I would love to hear Gabe speak words, have him wrap his arms around my neck, feel a kiss on my cheek, or make eye contact with him. But let me tell you how the world’s measure of achievement melted into oblivion when my son started to reveal his happiness in spite of his disability. No longer do I obsess over charts, but I thoroughly obsess over the way God has revealed Himself to so many people through Gabe. What a joy he is! God knew that Gabe would come into his own. He knew the exact day and time and cause. And He knew He could carry us to that place to see us through. What a kind and gracious God to allow me to pray that untrusting prayer over and over again. This is why I beg anyone struggling with their faith, or with their trust in the Lord, to press into Him. Keep reading that scripture that you loved before, even when the words sound and feel empty. Keep praying honest, angry, and anxious prayers to the Lord. He will not abandon you. He will not leave a promise unfulfilled. He is so very good. 

“Oh taste and see that the Lord is good; Blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him.” Psalm 34

When you realized that your life was forever changed, was there any particular thing (song, book, verse, piece of advice, etc.) that helped you to continue to wake up every morning and get out of bed?

As I mentioned, I read Psalm 34 over and over again. I didn’t know what else to pray most days, so I prayed that scripture. Additionally, I read the amazing devotional Streams in the Desert. It dives headfirst into grief and mourning with scripture and stories to affirm our faith in troubles.

I also used imagery from a passage by C.S. Lewis in The Great Divorce where Lewis said:

“That is what mortals misunderstand. They say of some temporal suffering, ‘No future bliss can make up for it,’ not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory.”

That passage opened my eyes to a Truth: that our Lord is not going to erase our memory of the bad, but actually work our pain backwards and restore what was lost. I don’t know what that looks like, of course, but it is such a healing thought. I can see the imagery of things being undone to be redone the way God intended, before sin shattered the world.

What are you most looking forward to about Heaven?

I am so anxious for Heaven – to have an understanding that we have never had before. I think that we will have no more questions about Gabe’s health, and will never again have to ask “why?” And of course, I look forward to Gabe’s freedom (and mine) from earthly struggles. No more weeping or sadness – how amazing!

How did the Lord feel near to you in your grief and mourning?

After we said goodbye to Sawyer, I wrestled with God. I was angry with him, and I let him know it. I felt betrayed. Sawyer in my eyes was an innocent life, that God in His power could have sustained. Why would He allow this kind of thing to happen? To me? To anyone I knew? Why? Why? Why? It is okay to wrestle with God. He understands all of our emotions, because He created them. Furthermore, if anyone knows what it’s like to lose a child- He does. For that season of my life I had to figure out what I believed about my God, and who He was to me through wrestling with these questions. Overall, was He really who He said He was? After months of prayer and soul searching, I decided that I didn’t have to have all the answers. I just needed to know God, and trust that He knew what was best. Simply putting my faith in Him was enough. Little did I know at the time that I would have to walk through saying goodbye to another one of my children, but by figuring out who God was to me I was able to face Barron’s situation with more grace than I faced Sawyer’s. After we said goodbye to Barron, I did not feel betrayed by God. I knew then certainly that God is still on the throne. He is who He says he is. If the Bible says all things work together for our good, then they have to. Because God cannot deny being who the Word says that He is. He is close to the brokenhearted and crushed in spirit. Not once did I feel like God was distant from me, He was and always is near. He goes before us. But, I do believe that how we view God determines how we process through grief. God is all-present, all-knowing, and all-powerful. If we believe that, but we don’t understand why He lets things in our life happen to us, like saying goodbye to a child, we are going to hang out in anger and frustration for a long time. But if we believe that God is for us and that no weapon formed against us shall prosper, we can take on WHATEVER this life throws at us. He is always there to sustain and be by our side. The Lord feels near to me in the grief and in the mourning because I still believe He is on the throne and that nothing can take place without His knowledge. If you want some peace, in the midst of your turmoil, that’s a good place to be.

What has been the hardest thing about being a mother?

For me, there are a lot of hard things about being a mother. The one that applies so strongly to me is to be separated from your babies. Whew! That is hard. But as for the practical things about being a mother that are hard, I would say the constant battle with guilt, comparison, and fear. These three things are no joke, and if you don’t rebuke them out of your life they can do some serious damage. Mom guilt is a real thing. From the beginning of pregnancy I am constantly like- Can I eat this? Will this hurt the baby? Oh no, I had a glass of wine before I knew I was pregnant, something is going to be wrong with my baby! And it never lets up. Being in the NICU can take a toll on your body, so when I was breastfeeding Barron, because of the improper diet and lack of sleep, I wasn’t producing enough milk. And there it was again. I felt so guilty because Barron needed me, and I couldn’t provide for him. It was guilt for the ways that I felt like I had failed him as a mom. But that is right where Satan wants us to be. Same with comparison, he constantly wants us looking at the people around us, whether it’s at the playground or on social media. The enemy is whispering in our ear, “Look at her! Wow, that mom has it altogether! Her kids are all dressed in the most beautiful smocked bubbles. They never cry in the grocery store, and she has dinner on the table at 6 p.m. Why can’t you be like her?” So comparison then brings on a whole list of other things like: guilt, shame, jealously. I hate the devil. One more reason it’s hard to be a mom is because Satan also wants us to constantly live in a state of fear. I mean you seriously can’t let your child play outside these days without fearing for their lives. It’s just the way the world has gotten. And did you know what the most used command in the Bible is? “Do not fear.” God knew what we would struggle with the most. But even though these things make it hard to be a mom, we are the gatekeepers of our lives. We decide what we let in and what we don’t. We have to take captive every thought- not once, not twice, but all the time. What we allow and receive into our lives matters and affects our relationship with God and the people around us. So if following that girl makes you think things like, “Why can’t I have her life?” Unfollow, no questions asked. We don’t need to make motherhood harder than it already is.

What is the best thing about being a mother?

The best thing about being a mama is the ability to give love unconditionally. I wrote a little bit about this recently on my Instagram, but I can be a pretty selfish person. Can’t we all? Marriage does a great job to show me how selfish I can be. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing my husband could do that would make my love for him conditional. But still, if I burn the grilled cheese I am prone to choose the one a little less burned for myself. But when you become a mom, you fiercely love your children. You would go to battle for them. And I did with Barron. I constantly would pace his hospital room at night, praying healing over him, declaring the miracle I knew God could do. My husband would read scripture over him and rebuke sickness. We battled for Barron in that tiny hospital room. We prayed to God for supernatural healing. God answered our prayer, it just didn’t look like what we hoped it would this side of Heaven. But becoming a mother has taught me about the unconditional love of a Father for his children. I didn’t know I could possess that kind of love too, but by being a mother I can. I get it now. And it’s pretty spectacular.

When you first lost Sawyer & Barron was there any particular thing (song, book, verse, piece of advice, etc.) that helped you to continue to get out of bed?

Some days it is still a struggle to wake up every morning and get out of bed. Some days I think to myself, “What is the point?” And this is going to be the most Christian answer I could probably give, but as for the book that helped me in my grief, it was the Bible. There are no words that transcend time and circumstance like the Bible does. When we were in the NICU with Barron, I needed the words of the Bible more than I needed sleep or sustenance. I needed to constantly be reminded that God was with me, that He was for me, and that everything He does is good. Nothing can give that kind of peace like the Bible can. I will say though that right now, there is this song that just came out by Steffany Gretzinger. It’s called “Sing My Way Back.” It is really helping me in my constant grief over Barron. The premise of the song is that when we are dealing with the unfortunate circumstances that this broken world throws at us, we sing our way back to God’s heart. I had to do that after saying goodbye to Barron. I am a big Hillsong, Bethel Music, and Elevation Worship girl. It’s the only music I listen to. When I couldn’t do anything but sit in front of Barron’s crib and weep, these songs worshipped all that I knew about my God and didn’t have the strength to sing myself. So if you have your days like me, just turn on that song by Steffany and do just that. Even if your mouth can’t form the words, sit back, let His love overwhelm you, and worship your way back to His heart. He is there, and waiting.

What are you most looking forward to about heaven? 

The thing I’m looking most forward to about Heaven is to be with my King. In Luke 9, Jesus asks some people to come and follow Him. They all have their replies to His command. Here take a look,

“As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.” Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.” He said to another man, “Follow me.” But he replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.” Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.” Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”

When I first read these verses the last two replies struck me. I was like, “Come on, Jesus, the one man just wanted to bury his father, the man who raised him! And, God, the other man just wants to say goodbye to his family. Why is that so bad?” But this verse is critical to understand this crazy life we are called to and what Heaven means for us. I’ve heard sermons based upon this group of verses, and there is a little more under the surface to what the men are asking then what is written in bold print. What these verses are saying is that more important than what we eat and drink, more important than our friends and family, is our relationship with God. I don’t want to look at Heaven and say well, “I get to be with my babies and there will be no more sadness, not to mention, no more pain.” Though those are all things I do look forward to Heaven for! BUT, when I look forward to Heaven, I get to be with my King, apart from my flesh. Because we are human and live in the flesh, we get distracted and we make mistakes. No matter how hard we try because we live in the flesh, we turn away from God daily. But in Heaven the flesh is stripped away. We will then be more alive than ever, and we will get to live in constant praise and worship for all of our days…with the people we love that have believed and gone on before us. God is always with us here now. But what I’m most looking forward to about Heaven, it’s to be with my King released from my flesh. Followed then by getting to see my babies again at the gates. It couldn’t come soon enough.