Mallory Morgan owns one of my very favorite stores, The Confetti Crate, in my very favorite town. In some ways we grew up together, and in other ways we did not. But everyone that knows me well knows that I like to claim Troy, Alabama, as my hometown regardless of how much living I’ve actually done there. Besides the point, Mallory is married to her best friend Trey, since September 5, 2015. Thanks to marrying Trey, she’s a “bonus mom” to the coolest five year old, Cooper, who calls her “Baby.” She’s also a mom to four angels in heaven. Trey and Mallory have endured many challenges in their marriage. Mallory says that she looks at those challenges as something to be thankful for though because she trusts that God is using these moments to grow their faith and their relationship with Him.
How do you plan to celebrate Mother’s Day?
This Mother’s Day I will be celebrating my most precious mother, mother-in-law (it’s also her birthday that day!), grandmother and ALL the mothers out there- whether they are celebrating a first pregnancy, their first year as a mother, a “bonus” mom, a mother still in waiting, or a mother with only angels in heaven.
Honestly, holidays are hard for me these days. I easily get emotional on any given holiday. So let’s be real, I just hope I’m not the one cupping my face in my hands fighting back tears. I know I’ll be surrounded by love. God’s love and my own mother’s love. Both are unlike any other.
The sadness that infertility causes can be extremely confusing, especially to others who fortunately haven’t had to go through such. You see, Mother’s Day is an entire day where I’m surrounded by reminders that my biggest dream still hasn’t came true. I simply don’t have my babies to hold. Social media scrolling on Mother’s Day is more sadness than I can usually stomach. However, when I’m having “one of those days” on this journey it’s also a huge reminder for me to have faith. Faith that God’s plan is far greater than any plan out there. Much bigger than my quick reaction of a “plan” on decorating the nursery a certain way to work for a boy or girl the second we found out we were pregnant. My “plan” of searching for all the handmade vintage outfits that would work for both boy or girl to dress my babe on the way in, because I literally couldn’t wait even a day to prepare for all my dreams of having my “one day some day” a reality. This Mother’s Day I’m allowing myself to be sad. I feel confident that it’s best for me to not try to fight that and block emotions completely out. I tried that route on Easter and didn’t even make it in to church with my sweet family because I had a meltdown. Full blown emotional roller coaster meltdown before we even took family pictures at Trey’s parents house as we do every year. Did I mention that holidays are hard? Whew. Allowing myself to be sad isn’t where I’m settling, though. I’m also pushing myself to be strong and have faith that God hasn’t forgotten me. Pushing myself to stay focused on how blessed I truly am to have the awesome mama and mother-in-law that I do, as well as remaining thankful for the opportunity to be a bonus mom. It’s pretty amazing how sweet it is to have my little sidekick.
Cooper takes care of me, prays for me, sings all the sweet songs while he plays his guitar for me because he knows it’s one of my favorite things he does, and most of all, that kid brings the brightest sunshine in my life with his tender-hearted ways. And oh my goodness, does he keep us laughing and entertained on a daily basis!
What is unique about your motherhood journey?
I don’t think it’s fair for me to say my motherhood journey is unique. After speaking out after my second miscarriage I quickly learned of so many others who have struggled with infertility, as well as hearing lots of heartbreaking stories of friends, and strangers alike, who have faced the gut wrenching news of being told your baby no longer has a heartbeat.
Approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I’m 1 in 4. There, I said it. Of course, everyone has a uniqueness about their own story, but honestly, this question leaves me asking myself what does, in fact, make my journey to motherhood unique. Truth be told, I’m not so sure I can consider my journey to making my “one day some day” unique. So bare with me while I try to answer this question without jumping around in ten different directions. I’ve learned so much having gone through four miscarriages. I really have. However, I’ve faced many, many days where I felt like I was the only person in the world who knew the kind of pain that came with having a miscarriage. My world was turned completely upside down when I heard the words, “I’m not finding a heartbeat.” FOUR. DIFFERENT. TIMES. I’ve cried out plenty of days begging for the horrible morning sickness, the fatigue, the swollen ankles, and all the other things you often hear others talk about. I’ve prayed many of prayers to just have a healthy pregnancy one that didn’t end far too soon followed by D & C, the surgical procedure that I’ve strangely become way too familiar with. After finding out we were pregnant for the second time, I remember my doctor looking at me during my first appointment for that particular pregnancy and asking, “Do you feel pregnant? Have you had any morning sickness? Tender breasts?” I told him I felt a little “icky” in the mornings. But in all reality, there was no morning sickness. All of my pregnancies after my first miscarriage were filled with fear that led to plenty of uneasy feelings. Morning and night.
This has been a very interesting part of my life. The story of my journey to motherhood is a lot like many others, 1 in 4, dreaming to carry to full-term, praying for a healthy baby to hold after they take their first breath, longing to experience a baby kicking in their stomach, wondering if I will ever know how it feels to be “nine months pregnant and miserable.”
The stories of infertility are raw, but very much so similar. It’s the same kind of unexplainable pain. At the end of the day, I find myself giving thanks to God for the uniqueness between all of the women who have suffered hearing the words “there is no longer a heartbeat.” Those words alone are a very hard pill to swallow. They’ve brought me to my knees, introduced me to new friends, and given me good reason, that only God could give me, to catch back up with old friends who needed me as well as I desperately needed them. All because of our unique journey to motherhood. Taking things, literally, one day at a time. Life can be funny. Life can be full of “icky” feelings. Most importantly, God can work in very unique ways to send you on a different path in life that makes you stronger than a mother. So if you’re 1 in 4, hang in there, sister. God has got this. God has got us.
What is something about motherhood that has made you strong in Christ?
When I feel weak, which is often, I turn to God. I pray for the smallest things, and I’m very specific with my requests. Only God can heal and redeem, and it can take time giving Him your whole heart. I look at this season of my life as one that is a growth in becoming a more Godly woman. With growth and knowledge, I believe it takes asking questions. Lots of questions. Being the impatient person that I am, this “season” hasn’t been the easiest. I want answers much quicker than I’ve received them. Birth is a miracle, and it’s something only God can bless us with. My prayer is that my strength, along with all the others who are in a similar situation, continues to grow. By sharing my weakest days I’ll always find a way to give God the glory and know that it is His story, not mine. It’s way too difficult of a road to travel alone. Keep God as your tour guide in life and don’t be afraid to travel with uncertainty, maybe even a little unprepared for what’s to come your way. He will prove to you that even the darkest roads end with sunshine, and maybe, just maybe, even with a rainbow.
What is something that the Lord has taught you recently that you would like to share with others?
Replacing fear with faith. Hands down, one of the harder lessons in life.
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10