I believe very strongly in sharing stories. However, I know that this approach to miscarriage and baby loss is not for every grieving heart. If we are being honest, the loss of our son Amos has made me really want to retreat and keep this closer to the chest than ever before. I’m a little tired of sharing “sad” stories. But stronger still is the push from my Heavenly Father to share this baby’s story and give Him the glory because that is NOT a sad story. The story of my babies in Heaven is a story full of Hope for those who believe because it hinges on the Goodness of a God who is near and knows our sorrows. If you are reading this as a grieving Mama, please know, this story is one I tell with hope that you will feel less alone and look to the Father for the only Hope we will ever be able to find from the appalling heartbreak of miscarriage.
Baby Amos caught us by surprise with a positive pregnancy test on February 1, 2020. I remember getting a phone call from my husband Andy a couple of days later as he admitted, “Okay, I am excited now!” It took a minute for both of us, but once we got excited we were all in. I will never forget hearing that heartbeat the day before my brother’s wedding. We told our daughters, Abigail (3 years) and Annie (1 year), on Valentine’s Day with cookie decorating. Despite my nervous feelings of having two toddlers, I was even more excited about seeing Annie in the role of big sister.
Early in pregnancy we had a pretty significant hurdle to jump in the form of a hematoma. However, we clung to our faith that God’s will would be done and His plans have always been greater. We shared the knowledge of the hematoma with our family and closest friends so they could be praying. Due to the hematoma, my very caring and thorough doctor requested more common appointments and ultrasounds. Thanks be to God, the hematoma very quickly resolved itself. We were happy to hear the heartbeat of our growing baby a few times for this reason. Having lost a baby to miscarriage before, I tend to keep my guard up a bit, but I will admit that after the hematoma healed I felt very hopeful about a healthy and growing baby. So I started doing all of the Mama dreaming about the amazing things to come for our family with the addition of this sweet life due to arrive in early October.
On March 12, 2020 I went to have a 9 week check up. After this appointment I would get the “all clear” so I could move on to having the normal series of milestone appointments. Now looking back though the Lord was preparing me for heartbreak on that day. I actually sent a text message to my husband while sitting in the waiting room admitting that my spirit felt uneasy.
The ultrasound tech was the first stop in the doctor’s office. It didn’t take long for me to notice that there was no flicker on the monitor. “There’s definitely a little one in there,” she said in an attempt to be reassuring. She wanted to get a closer look just to be sure, but we both knew what had happened. My baby’s heartbeat had stopped probably a few days prior. Unfortunately, so much of this process felt very familiar to me. I sat alone once again in my doctor turned friend’s office with tears in my eyes but a sacred peace in my heart. Though the pain was one I have known before this particular loss feels so puzzling- “Why us?” and “Why again?” We can’t linger at those questions for too long or go down the rabbit hole too deep, even though our God can handle our questions and our doubts. Instead we cling to the Truth and our assurance that God knows the answers that we were never meant to know. More than His knowing is the experience of letting Him hold us up and feeling His nearness in the midst of our grieving. And He will.
Having lost two babies to miscarriage now, and feeling our odds of a healthy baby appear to by 50/50, we prayed for some sort of medical explanation for this loss. So for those that are curious about the medical side of this, we found out that our baby was just as my Mama heart had told me- a boy. However, his uniqueness is that he had an extra set of chromosomes known as triploidy. Furthermore, the placenta was abnormally forming as a partial molar tumor. For this reason, my visits to the hospital are still frequent. If you are a praying person, please continue to pray for us in our emotional health and my physical health.
Happy one month in Heaven to our precious Samuel “Amos” Sentenn. I love you endlessly, buddy, and the God that rescued us both loves you even more.
And to the grieving Mama, please know you are not alone. God is near. He is still good. And He can be trusted. Plus, you have a friend in me.
More than words can ever say, thank you, Jesus, for preparing a way for me and my babies in Heaven, Amos and Eva Mae. Because of You and for You alone, Jesus- Heaven Made Home.